vezza is a loner

The setting: I was spending a few months in Italy on my gap year with an old friend of my parents, his wife and little boy. They had taken me skiing for a week in the north.

Good day of skiing today. Lots of technique in the lesson, then a black piste (!!) with Elena & Christopher, then the long red # 6. Mostly I was ok.

Back at the house, after dinner I think, Robin did this psychometric test on Christopher & I. You pick your favourite animal and list 3 characteristics you like about it (Goat: Stupid, Cute but Friendly) - then your 2nd favourite (Sea Turtle: Impressive, Smart (sense of purpose & direction), and highly evolved (??!!)) - and then a 3rd (Parrot: Colourful, Chirpy yet Tragic). The first 3 characteristics (Goat) are how you see yourself. The second 3 (Sea Turtle) are how others see you. The third 3 (Parrot) show what you are really like.

Chris’s 3rd favourite animal was a Cat, one of the characteristics being “Cuddly”, and the others being “Always Nice, but Never Listens”, haha.

.

Robin also told me that Chris was one of a twin, and that they’d lost one. He’d mentioned it before, but I’d thought he meant his nephew Christopher.

It made me understand the family dynamics differently. I wonder if Christopher will … I don’t know … I’m sure when he’s older he will think about it a lot.

.

Another psychometric test Robin did on me was:

“You enter a forest, and come to a wall across the path. Describe it.”

I said it was tall, that I couldn’t see over. I wanted to say the other side was a beautiful garden, but I realised I was thinking of The Secret Garden, and so I really thought about it.

The other side … a footpath through the trees … 4pm sunlight, dappled across the path … Beyond the wood, I don’t know, maybe a stream … green fields … peace.

He told me this is how I view death.

xx M

Its been a while and my last few entries have been a weird peek into my psyche so I’d like to re-dress (re-address?) the balance and go for a good ol’ fashioned horoscope post.

That and its the only style of entry I get any feedback on so basically you have rejected my creative writing and I’m embarassed I posted it…!! Not really, plenty more where that came from. The fewer that read it, the more embarrassingly earnest its going to get.

On with the show…

Good communication will be key for you today. Taking the time to talk things through with someone will help you resolve a few things. 

Goodie - I think I just did that, right? I’ve spoken a lot today. This could have had something to do with me treating myself to a latte on the way to work without having had any breakfast and basically my body is so starved of chemicals and stimulants (no reason, it just is) that I tend to go on a four hour caffeine trip whenever I do this. Four hours? Its 7pm and I’m obviously still rabbiting on. Thank you, Coffee Republic. Drug of choice. Oh yeah there’s more to this: stars, what were you saying?

And if you play your cards right, some romantic opportunities should heat up for you later tonight.

I have been thinking about watching my Sherlock series 2 DVD again. Does that count?

Just don’t allow poor judgment to end up costing you too much money today.

Too late - I’ve just ordered a curry for one. 

Things are getting a little tense with your family, and there could be a few misunderstandings. You should really try to reach out to someone who can give you a little helpful advice on how to make things better on the home front.

This is plain untrue. Family life is going great. 

Mantra: Changing circumstances require changing attitudes.

I don’t know what that means. Does that mean anything?

SHERLOCK TIME

V

I never post photos but just WOW.

Joanne absently rubbed her side. She stood over the chopping board, her left hand resting on the counter. Outside, across the garden, the outline of a magpie raided the seed table. A dull ache tugged under her ribs. It was time. She refocussed her eyes as the magpie flew noisily upwards into the bare oak.

Quickly, Joanne chopped the remaining vegetables and threw them into the smoking pan. Cooking was a chore, and she was careless. Stirring the burning vegetables around, the hissing sound filled her ears and the hot oil pricked at her hand. She cursed and turned the gas off. With a clatter she threw the pan back on the grills and leaned heavily on the counter. The ache pushed outwards, a bubble threatening to shift or burst. Joanne pressed a curled fist gently into the ache; it intensified. It was time.

Do not look at Tumblr fashion blogs (trawling for new haircut), they will only make you feel ugly.

March 14th 2007 - I was in Rome at the time, and the reason I find this so weird and wonderful is because usually when I look back on dreams I’ve written down, I can remember them. But I have no recollection of this dream- nor of writing about it. Regardless, I recalled it with alarming detail in the below passage…

2. The Dream I Just Woke Up From
In my head its a little jumbled, so I’ll try to make it a coherent story. 
I was with my family. We had moved abroad, and were in a large house with lots of other expats (I later discovered we were all members of the same expatriate society) and although it wasn’t a part of the dream, the feeling was that this was a new habit of ours, to come here in the evenings. There were a lot of rooms with a lot of different things and people in. Mostly, I think it was kids and toys.

I spent a long time trying to find my little brother, but Ben was in there somewhere too; I kept bumping into him.

After a while I realised I was meant to be meeting my mom. I had a lot of stuff to gather up and carry; suitcases, folders, books, coat, another huge bag.. I struggled with it all. 
I found myself walking through town thinking “I’m going to be late, I’m going to be late”. It wasn’t a street I recognise now. 

I got to a bar and thought “actually, Jamie T is playing here tonight, my mom won’t mind if I’m a bit late”. I went inside. It was crowded, and the band were onstage. Jamie T saw me arrive and laughed at me. The man at the door said “thats five pounds please”. Jamie said “she doesn’t have any change”, and then started to play. I found my purse in my pocket and pulled out a stack of coins. I couldn’t see them properly, like, my eyes weren’t focusing. I said to the man “are those pound coins or twenty ps?” he said they were pound coins and took five. I stood there for about ten seconds before I said “actually I’m so sorry, i can’t stay” and waited for my money back. He took out a stack of red and purple flyers and took the top half off and put it underneath, took another stack and fanned it out for me to select the Flyers Of My Choice. I gave him a strange look, took five and left.

Across the street I went into a bathroom. It was down some stairs, and I stopped half way down. I was sorting out all my stuff, and for some reason just threw some water on the stairs. A few minutes later I heard people coming, and warned them about the slippery stairs. Two old women (one of whom was wearing my silver shoes!) said Oh THankyou You Are Kind whereas a younger woman with her 2 year old daughter starting muttering under her breath about How Stupid To Throw Blooody Water On The Stairs We Could Have Been Killed or something.

Eventually I managed to haul all my stuff back on my back, then took it all off again when I decided it would be easier to wear my coat than to carry it. Once I was sorted I went back out to the street.

I’m not sure exactly at what point, but there was a train journey involved. And also there was a part that I was in a supermarket…and in a cafe. I read a notice saying “you’re too late all our supervisor positions have been filled” and under “top junior supervisor” was my name. well, ‘verity may’. I thought “i wonder if they’ll print that on my name badge?

Anyways eventually I reached the place where I was meant to be meeting my mom. It was a huge house, and the floors sloped steeply up away from me (in my dreams, steep hills are a sign its a nightmare) and I tried to get to the top without panicking. There were some double doors at the top of the house behind a couch, so i squeezed behind the couch and got through the door. There was a huge bed and my mom was in it, watching TV. I apologised for being so late and she said it wasn’t a problem.

Thats all I can remember. There are feelings I can remember…. but… I don’t know how or where they fit in. Dreams throw me off sometimes. I’ll go for a run (HA) to clear my head I think.

Could I just ask? 

Sometimes I’m a pushover, but not this time.

I didn’t let my friend know what was going on, of course. But I silently pushed back a little.

I wonder about them. What they would do, have done, and to whom, how often. If they regret it, pushing back.

A friend didn’t the other day. I was waiting, and I was forced down. Now I’m sunken into thick mud; it comes over the tops of my boots and presses in on my skin.

Cold air rushes into my lungs.

Three entries in a year. Wow. That kind of shows what sort of year its been: a fast moving one, with little time for interesting words. That last entry was written the day before my review. The day before I got catapulted into a whirl of stress and mania, made worse by the fact my shoes are tied to the ground.

Lets see what the stars have in store. Or, rather, had in store today, as I’m going to bed soon.

You’ll have some interesting conversations today, and you’ll even be coming up with a few interesting plans about how to have a good time.

This hasn’t happened. How disappointing. The most ‘coming up with a few interesting plans’ I’ve done today is discussing whether the company should by a Citroen Picasso or a Vauxhall Vectra. And whether I should drive 120 miles tomorrow in a huge circle, or sit in the office writing documents. Unless I’ve missed the seminar on real life at 24, I wouldn’t call either of those plans as pertaining to ‘a good time’.

You’ll be tempted to enjoy yourself a little too much though, so be careful. If you don’t feel like taking care of all your responsibilities today, you’ll end up hearing about it.

Really? Which responsibilities? Is this Annabel making a racket because she hasn’t had a chance to run around tonight while I’ve watched the entire Series 6 of Peep Show? Urgh.

If things have been a little strained with someone special lately, you should make an effort to improve things. No matter what’s happened in the past, you’ll be able to get back on the same page with some important people in your life.

Now this could ring true. Depending on how special the person really is. I don’t think its down to me to make the effort. She doesn’t even know we’ve fallen out.

Mantra: I will open my mind to new perspectives. 

Fuck that, I’m going to bed.

Here’s hoping tomorrow brings a better mood, right?

V

Hi all. Its 11:35 pm so I thought I’d break convention and write about tomorrow’s horoscope instead of today’s. Let’s see what the stars have in store!

Partnerships of all types will really be in the spotlight for you right now. And if you’ve been doing a lot of thinking about any important issues in your relationships lately, just realize that some type of resolution will soon be reached. And having a cooperative attitude will really be a great asset in everything you’re trying to accomplish.

Wow, that was written extremely poorly. Let me read that again.

OK yeah, co-operative can sometimes be tricky - not because I don’t want to be co-operative, but usually because I don’t recognise until its too late that I’m being un-co-operative. Too many hyphens?

Not that I have been thinking about any important issues in my relationships. Other than whether Annabel likes me (ref: cute bunny from previous entry eons ago).

You should be getting the chance to start making some positive new beginnings, so just make sure that you’re ready to take the initiative.

Crap, I have my review tomorrow. I hope this isn’t a cruel spin on “you’ll be sacked. Try to see it as a positive new beginning”.

Try to strengthen your bonds with those closest to you right now as well. Your past efforts should finally be paying off and you’ll be able to get many things moving in the right direction again.

My parents? No, no… this must be about Annabel. 

Mantra: I will trust my own inner voice.

My inner voice sucks. No way am I listening to that bozo.

Maybe I should stick to analysing the past, not anticipating the future. Yes. That sounds like a healthy approach.

Annabel- new addition to my life!